Mom's Birthday

This Lady was born to this Earth on this Day

Seventy one years ago.

I suspect she has a new birthday now, but I'm still kind of attached to this day.  After all, I celebrated it every year of my life until now.  So I think I'll still choose to celebrate this day for this wonderful woman who was with me, talking to me nearly every day for my entire life.  OK, there were some days when I bombed her calls, some days I didn't have answers to the questions she would ask and some days that were just too busy.  But mostly, we talked. 

I remember when my mom turned thirty seven, my brother, my friend Erika, and I made HAPPY BIRTHDAY signs on poster board and put them up on our front and back windows announcing my (single) mother was "37 TODAY!" I'm sure she really appreciated that.

I'm trying to remember other birthdays but mostly I just remember snapshots.  In recent years I know she enjoyed going out to dinner with friends.  She was usually in Washington in July because Arizona was just too hot for her this time of year. 

Happy Birthday Mom.  If you were here of course I would call you and I would have sent you flowers, probably a day or two late, but the bouquet would have included Star Lilies. 

 I love you. I miss you.

Dreams and Grief

Who knew missing someone would take so much energy.  

I crashed today.  

I had a vivid dream this morning where I sat with my mom.  We held hands. We did that a lot in the days we had with her before she died. I told her "I know I'm dreaming, so I'm not going to look at you because if I do you'll go away, so let's just sit awhile." So we did and suddenly there were innumerable stars everywhere like I've never seen and they were alive and flowing like flocks of birds fly. It was the first dream I've had where I saw her and felt her present with me. 

I've prayed for that presence and now maybe I know why God has said no until now, because it messed me up. 

I woke up and cried all morning. I listened to "Homesick" by Mercy Me and "Blessings" by Laura Story and "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin which was played at her funeral and cried some more. At one point my Natalie came and held my hand during "Homesick", it's a sweet moment I will treasure. 

Grief is exhausting.

After the "homesick" song I said to my Natalie, well, we are still here so God must have something for us to do here. Otherwise we wouldn't be here anymore.  Lord, help us to live a life worthy of the calling we have received.

Right now, we are waiting... And apparently waiting is energizing, at least according to Isaiah 40:31.  Yes, Lord. We will wait on you, and trust you for whatever comes from your hand. 

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength

They shall mount up on wings like eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not faint.