Who knew missing someone would take so much energy.
I crashed today.
I had a vivid dream this morning where I sat with my mom. We held hands. We did that a lot in the days we had with her before she died. I told her "I know I'm dreaming, so I'm not going to look at you because if I do you'll go away, so let's just sit awhile." So we did and suddenly there were innumerable stars everywhere like I've never seen and they were alive and flowing like flocks of birds fly. It was the first dream I've had where I saw her and felt her present with me.
I've prayed for that presence and now maybe I know why God has said no until now, because it messed me up.
I woke up and cried all morning. I listened to "Homesick" by Mercy Me and "Blessings" by Laura Story and "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin which was played at her funeral and cried some more. At one point my Natalie came and held my hand during "Homesick", it's a sweet moment I will treasure.
Grief is exhausting.
After the "homesick" song I said to my Natalie, well, we are still here so God must have something for us to do here. Otherwise we wouldn't be here anymore. Lord, help us to live a life worthy of the calling we have received.
Right now, we are waiting... And apparently waiting is energizing, at least according to Isaiah 40:31. Yes, Lord. We will wait on you, and trust you for whatever comes from your hand.
They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength
They shall mount up on wings like eagles
They shall run and not be weary
They shall walk and not faint.