Dreams and Grief

Who knew missing someone would take so much energy.  

I crashed today.  

I had a vivid dream this morning where I sat with my mom.  We held hands. We did that a lot in the days we had with her before she died. I told her "I know I'm dreaming, so I'm not going to look at you because if I do you'll go away, so let's just sit awhile." So we did and suddenly there were innumerable stars everywhere like I've never seen and they were alive and flowing like flocks of birds fly. It was the first dream I've had where I saw her and felt her present with me. 

I've prayed for that presence and now maybe I know why God has said no until now, because it messed me up. 

I woke up and cried all morning. I listened to "Homesick" by Mercy Me and "Blessings" by Laura Story and "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" by Chris Tomlin which was played at her funeral and cried some more. At one point my Natalie came and held my hand during "Homesick", it's a sweet moment I will treasure. 

Grief is exhausting.

After the "homesick" song I said to my Natalie, well, we are still here so God must have something for us to do here. Otherwise we wouldn't be here anymore.  Lord, help us to live a life worthy of the calling we have received.

Right now, we are waiting... And apparently waiting is energizing, at least according to Isaiah 40:31.  Yes, Lord. We will wait on you, and trust you for whatever comes from your hand. 

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength

They shall mount up on wings like eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not faint.

God's Waiting Room

We are living in such a strange place right now.  We have a circle of people who love us asking frequently, "So, what's the plan now? And are you glad to be back? And what's next, where are you going to live."

I've jokingly said, I guess God wants us to be flaky! 

But it is not a natural or easy place to walk.  While we are doing well and loving each other it does feel like we are in a waiting room.  

You know that feeling? You know you will be called... Eventually. You know you will get to speak with the right people and get the information you need... Eventually. And so you wait.  

We could leave. There's not a lack of resources, time, money, or ideas.  BUT GOD has told us to wait.  I mean really, He even sent me a voicemail from Heaven a few weeks ago!  

Apparently I needed a reminder again today after calling several campgrounds experiencing rejection after rejection due to our family size.  (P.S. We never had this much trouble in any other part of the country, we are really thrown by it here, if you can't tell). 

While geocaching today, in the very first cache, the finders directly before us wrote these two scriptures on the log. They are both scriptures my mother quoted frequently. 

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 

Now check this out! God is AMAZING. 

STACY, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!

Isaiah 40:31 but they who WAIT for the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint. 

And so wait, I shall, and not grow weary.